I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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