I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
