every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
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there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
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I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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