there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
