i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
