If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
