He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
The uberlube is also flammable
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
