Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
