whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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