I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
