Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
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Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
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I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass