so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
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So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.