Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?