Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
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My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
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I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.