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happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Randomize
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