On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!