It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
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