how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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