it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
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She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
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I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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