My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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