i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
