Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
