I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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