Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Randomize
