I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
