gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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