yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
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having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
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Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
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