and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick