you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
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My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
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Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."