Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
