so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
