your parents love me but you hate me
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
