God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
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