wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
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