I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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