I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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