After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
