I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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