i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
