Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Randomize
