so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
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