Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
