why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Randomize
