I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
