i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
i think im in europe. pls send help
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
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