TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
