dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
