Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
