Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
