FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Randomize
