apparently the secret to your success is patron
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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