The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
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Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
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MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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