There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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