Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
