I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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