I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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