I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
