After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
