Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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