I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I just blew my weed a kiss
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Your penis caused this!
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